


my heart knows me better than i know myself

by lemon_lullabies



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, SO MUCH FLUFF, everyone say i love you nanika, imagine being gay, just hella gay, killugon doesn't have to imagine, like HELLA pining gon, marriage proposal kinda, nanika is here because i love her, neither does leopika, pining Gon, send help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:01:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27791197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemon_lullabies/pseuds/lemon_lullabies
Summary: (so i'm gonna let it do all the talking)"When Gon finds himself in bed half an hour later, he’s staring at the ceiling in agitation. Stupid brain. Stupid song. Stupid dancing. Stupid, beautiful, wonderful Killua. Stupid feelings. Why won’t you let him just fall asleep? Feeling pathetic, Gon tangles his fingers in the sheets, wishing that they were Killua’s fingers instead. He repeatedly hits his forehead with the base of the palm of his other hand in a strange attempt to silence his spinning mind. Oh great. Now he’s thinking of spinning, and he’s back to where he started. He closes his eyes and all he can see if himself and Killua twirling in circles. Please, oh gods above, let him fall asleep!"Or: Gon watches Leopika dancing and is very gay.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Alluka Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Nanika, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 31
Kudos: 209





	my heart knows me better than i know myself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Frogslap](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frogslap/gifts), [FiftyShadesOfKillua](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiftyShadesOfKillua/gifts).



> welcome! it's been a little while since i last posted because uni is wrapping up for the semester and i'm dying... but please enjoy whatever this is!!!
> 
> inspired by comments from the lovely Fortunatelyleftcat and also a late b-day gift for FiftyShadesOfKillua!!!
> 
> finally, a thank you to casualbird for betaing!!!

The late autumn air is chilly, but not uncomfortably so, Gon decides. Growing up on Whale Island, cold like this was unusual, and yet Gon finds he doesn’t mind the change. The breeze biting at his cold-flushed cheeks is almost comforting, in an odd way. It reminds him that he is here. That he is real and breathing and living. He wraps his jacket a little tighter around his body as he meanders down the dimly-lit street, hands shoved in his pockets. Another breeze rustles his hair and tickles his nose, almost inciting a sneeze. In response, Gon tucks his chin into the collar of his coat and picks up the speed just a bit. The faster he gets home, the faster he can escape the teasing wind, and the faster he can see Killua again. It’s the last bit that really encourages him to quicken his steps.

It isn’t particularly late, but it is already dark, and Gon is the sole figure on the street. This isn’t unusual – it is a small village where they had taken up temporary residence. Gon, Killua, Leorio, Kurapika, Alluka, and Nanika had rented a small cottage there for a few months. It was supposed to be a calming vacation for them all over the summer, but as the months stretched on, they all found that they didn’t particularly want this vacation to end. And so they just kept paying the monthly payment, and nobody said a word about it.

Gon never would have pegged himself for the domestic type. He was always looking for the next thrill, living from one adventure to another. And yet the last few months had been delightfully dull. He always had thought that boredom was his worst enemy, but Gon found that he almost craved this boredom. He _wanted_ to be bored, sitting in contemplative silence in the living room with his favorite people. He wanted to wrap up this feeling of contented floatiness and store it for later. He wanted to sit in the bliss of domesticity and just breathe. He wanted to offer Leorio hugs when he got frustrated with his studies. He wanted to make Kurapika smile whenever his eyes filled with that cloudy melancholy. He wanted to help Alluka make dinner, braid Nanika’s hair, hold Killua close to his chest and breathe him in.

Gon found that these unremarkable adventures were just as rewarding as the grand escapades he had grown used to.

As he rounds the corner to their make-do home, he is pulled out of his introspection by soft music. It’s not a piece he’s familiar with, but it reminds him of Gran’s lullabies that she would sing to him when he was young. The words were in her native language, which Gon only spoke a few words of, so the lyrics weren’t clear. The message was though: it was a song about love, and the gentle wavering of Gran’s voice burrowed that love straight through the center of Gon’s forehead and all throughout his bloodstream. This song, whatever it was, carried that same kind of love.

It’s difficult to tell where the music was coming from; Gon’s hearing isn’t as keen as his nose. It takes him a few moments of walking and then pausing before walking again to determine it’s drifting from the backyard. Gon crouches along the side of the cottage, creeping around his own home like a weirdo in his attempt to locate the source. When he slowly peeks his head around the corner to take in the scene, he lets out a quiet gasp.

There, under the dangling fairy lights that Alluka had strung up over the patio, are Kurapika and Leorio, hand in hand, swaying gently in time with the quiet music. Kurapika is laying his head on Leorio’s chest, eyes closed in contentment, as he trails his free hand up and down Leorio’s spine in soft, soothing motions. Leorio, meanwhile, is sifting a hand through Kurapika’s hair, pausing once in a while to scratch softly at the other man’s scalp. It was tranquil and intimate, and Gon feels like he’s trespassing on something private. He averts his gaze as Kurapika tilted his head back for a kiss. 

Gon leans against the side of the cottage, eyes closed, and breathes deeply. He is happy for his friends. Really, truly. They deserve every ounce of happiness they earned, every love-filled moment they shared together. But watching them, he catches himself not actually thinking about the two of them at all. Instead, he sees himself in their place, holding a certain bright-haired, blue-eyed someone close to his chest. He pictures long, manicured fingers looping through his own, silvery curls reflecting the starlight. His heart races and, suddenly, he feels a little dizzy. When had it gotten so warm? He gently lowers himself to the ground, mind still focused on the image of him and Killua dancing chest-to-chest. Would Killua let him run his hands through his hair? Would he whisper sweet nothings into Gon’s ear as they swayed? How beautiful would Killua look under the moonlight?

Gon isn’t sure how long he sat, crouched in the bushes in the side yard, waiting for his heartrate to slow. The music has long since faded out, and Kurapika and Leorio had shuffled back inside, hands still intertwined. After a few more silent moments broken only by the breeze jingling Nanika’s homemade wind chime, Gon slowly rises to his feet and makes the walk of shame back towards the front of the cottage, digging through his pockets for his key. It’s getting late by now, so he opens the front door as quietly as possible. He shucks off his boots, placing them in a haphazard pile next to the neatly arranged pairs belonging to the others.

He can hear the television on in the other room, and he’s not surprised to find Killua and Alluka curled up together on the couch. Alluka is sound asleep, head lolling onto Killua’s shoulder, although Killua was too busy staring unblinkingly at the screen with bloodshot eyes to notice. The siblings had taken to watching “Say Yes to the Dress” together, harshly critiquing the fashion sense of entitled white brides-to-be who were far too willing to spend their parent’s money. One such white woman was on the screen now, talking animatedly to the camera. Gon ignores her and instead grabs the remote sitting on the armrest and shuts off the screen mid-dialogue.

That got Killua to blink sleepily away from the television, eyebrows furrowed and lips pulled taught in confused frustration. God chides himself for focusing on his lips. Now is not the time.

“It’s late. Alluka’s asleep.” He gestures towards Alluka’s limp body and the pool of drool starting to collect on Killua’s shoulder. “You should get her to bed and then get some sleep yourself.”

Killua stares at Alluka, blinking drowsily. He just nods in acknowledgement, hoisting Alluka into his arms and trekking down the hallway towards her room. Gon follows them with his eyes until they round the corner. He stands, silent, in the middle of the room for a few moments before ascending the stairs to his own bedroom, flicking the lights off on his way out. 

When Gon finds himself in bed half an hour later, he’s staring at the ceiling in agitation. Stupid brain. Stupid song. Stupid dancing. Stupid, beautiful, wonderful Killua. Stupid _feelings._ Why won’t you let him just fall asleep? Feeling pathetic, Gon tangles his fingers in the sheets, wishing that they were Killua’s fingers instead. He repeatedly hits his forehead with the base of the palm of his other hand in a strange attempt to silence his spinning mind. Oh great. Now he’s thinking of spinning, and he’s back to where he started. He closes his eyes and all he can see if himself and Killua twirling in circles. Please, oh gods above, let him fall asleep!

He is granted his wish eventually, but not soon enough. He’s groggy the next morning, nursing a cup of green tea after four hours of subpar sleep. Groggy-morning green tea is usually Kurapika’s specialty, but now the two sit together in companionable silence, sipping their tea moodily. Leorio is the first to find them, and he takes his typical position behind Kurapika, one arm curling protectively around the other man’s middle as he holds a coffee mug in the other hand. The scene is undeniably sweet, irrefutably domestic. Leorio buries his nose in Kurapika’s hair lovingly, and Gon can’t help but look away. All he can think about is Killua, Killua, Killua, and watching the two live out Gon’s dreams makes an ugly, unusual feeling of envy wrap its tendrils around Gon’s stomach.

As if summoned by Gon’s thoughts, Killua appears in the entryway, trailed by a sleepy Nanika who is grasping onto his hand tightly. Gon smiles at the girl, tapping the open seat next to him in invitation. She accepts readily and eagerly clutches the orange juice Leorio sets in front of her. Somehow, Nanika always made Gon feel better. Perhaps it was her sweet innocence or her endless kindness. Perhaps it was her short, simple sentences and the way she simplified the world around her. Perhaps it was her acute understanding of loneliness and darkness, something Gon saw reflected in himself. Gon pats Nanika’s head soothingly as she sips, content to focus on this sweet angel rather than the sickening emotions brewing in his sleep-addled mind.

Killua takes after Leorio, leaning against the back of Nanika’s chair rather than taking a seat himself. He had opted for a glass of chocolate milk, and he sips it slowly as his eyes trail the movement of Gon’s hand in Nanika’s hair. It’s odd to see everyone so quiet, but nobody is willing to break the tranquility of the moment. The silence is only broken when Alluka emerges to assist Kurapika with breakfast.

Killua slides into Nanika/Alluka’s empty chair mere moments after it’s abandoned. He meets Gon’s eyes and offers a small smile, which he tries (and fails) to hide as he drains the rest of his chocolate milk. Gon knows he’s staring, but it’s too hard to look away. The shy early sunlight makes his hair gleam just so, and Gon is mesmerized. Certainly there could never be anything as beautiful as Killua.

“You missed the sunrise this morning,” Killua murmurs softly. His eyes watch as Gon swallows and turns his face away just slightly.

“Yeah, I guess I did. I’m sorry, Killua. I couldn’t sleep last night.”

Killua rubs his cheek, humming in understanding. It had become a routine over the past few months for Gon and Killua to meet on the roof each morning to watch the sunrise saturate the cozy town in color. They both had become early risers over the tenure of Bisky’s training, and neither had lost the habit during their separation. When, one morning, Killua climbed out of his window to find Gon already lounging on the roof, feet dangling off the side, they just laughed at each other and watched together as the sun tinted the sky pink. It quickly became an everyday occurrence.

“Why don’t you make it up to me by watching the sunset with me instead?” Killua poses, watching Gon anxiously for a reaction to his proposition.

Gon just beams, delighted. “Good idea! I’ll hold you to that! No skipping out on me just to watch ‘Say Yes to the Dress.’”

Killua snorts, shoving Gon lightly. “That was _one time._ I promise it won’t happen again.”

“Pinky promise?” Gon questions, eyes wide and pleading.

Killua sighs before giving in, linking his pinky finger with Gon’s and muttering the chant halfheartedly.

Gon smiles, shoulder still tingling from Killua’s touch.

~~~

True to his word, Killua clambers onto the roof just as the sun begins to graze the horizon, nose pink from the cold despite his multiple layers. It’s a little awkward as they reorient themselves; they have to abandon their usual spots in order to face the setting sun rather than a rising one. The slope of the roof favors their typical positions, so they have to dig their heels into the shingles to prevent themselves from slipping. What really matters, though, is that they’re both here, and they’re both wonderfully alone.

You would think that the light from a sunset and a sunrise are essentially the same. You’d be wrong. In the morning, the light would slowly highlight Killua’s features, drawing out his cheekbones and making his eyes glint gently. Now, shadows take form and dance across those cheekbones, settling in the tiny dip of his upper lip. Gon really, _really_ wants to trace his finger along the shadows, but he refrains.

They sit in silence, just breathing the same air as the sun slowly dips beyond the skyline. And this is what Gon means: this boredom, this serenity, he wants to bottle it up and savor it forever and forever.

Killua speaks up eventually, though his eyes are fixed on the roof as he traces his finger in odd geometric shapes along the rough texture. “So are you gonna tell me why you couldn’t sleep?”

This was the question Gon was dreading.

At his core, Gon is earnest. He speaks what he feels with little to no filter, blatantly honest. Gon is also selfish. Horribly, dangerously selfish. He’s working on it, because he never wants to hurt or manipulate Killua again. And that’s the problem, isn’t it. If Gon tells Killua the truth – that he’s madly, irrevocably in love with him – there’s a good chance that Killua will play along or try to force himself to return Gon’s feelings. Of course, Killua’s grown too; he’s not the same boy he was at 14, when he wouldn’t hesitate to shatter his soul if it made Gon smile. And yet Gon still holds this fear close to his heart. 

Maybe it’s okay to be a _little_ selfish.

“Killua, will you dance with me?”

Killua, as expected, flushes dark under Gon’s gaze. “What—But, that doesn’t answer the question—”

“Please, Killua?”

Killua gapes at him, mouth opening and closing like a fish. The sight makes Gon smile. “Why?” is all he manages to stutter out.

Gon inhales steadily through his nose, closing his eyes and steeling himself. “I couldn’t sleep ‘cuz I kept thinking about dancing with you and I really, really want to dance with you so will you PLEASE dance with me so I can actually get some sleep tonight?” The jumbled sentence tumbles out in one quick exhale, and he opens his eyes warily as he breathes in, gauging Killua’s reaction.

He’s even more red than before, and his mouth has given up on the opening and closing, choosing instead to simply rest with his jaw dropped. He composes himself quickly. “Ah, um… yeah. Okay.”

“Yeah?” Gon breathes hopefully, uncertain if this is real.

“Yeah,” Killua replies with a shy smile, offering Gon a hand. “We can’t dance up here, though. Let’s jump down onto the patio.”

Gon loves Killua’s ideas.

(Gon loves Killua.)

They leap, hand in hand, and land on their feet, giggling hysterically. The laughter dies abruptly when Killua hesitantly sets his hand on Gon’s shoulder, stepping close. Gon feels his own breath catch in his throat, eyes wide. Here he is: Killua. And it’s exactly like Gon’s dreams but _better._ Shadows pass over the curve of Killua’s nose, making his eyes appear ever brighter. His eyelashes are long, _so long_ , and they flutter slowly as Killua looks down in embarrassment. His hand on Gon’s shoulder is warm and tantalizing; it makes Gon want Killua to run those hands across his whole body, leaving searing silvery marks in his place, like the touch of an angel. Killua’s so close now – close enough to hold, to brush those starlit curls out of his eyes. Instead of giving in to those urges, Gon takes Killua’s other hand in his own.

This, Gon thinks, is how he was always meant to be. His hand was always meant to be in Killua’s. The burning under his skin is momentarily sated. He never wants to let go.

Killua pulls them into a gentle sway, and the urge to kiss him is nearly too strong. He’s ethereal in the moonlight. Killua is ethereal always. Gon thinks that maybe Killua is a living, breathing star. He rubs his thumb along the back of Killua’s knuckles, feeling brave. How lucky is he, that he can hold this astonishing, breathtaking person?

In a moment of selfishness (he seems to be allotting himself many of those tonight), Gon brings Killua’s hand to his lips. He bushes his lips gently against each finger, as if making a wish. He lingers on Killua’s ring finger, glancing up to catch Killua’s gaze.

“I hope we stay together forever,” Gon whispers against Killua’s knuckles, each brush of his lips turning Killua’s cheeks a deeper shade of pink.

And then Killua is surging forward and suddenly his lips are on Gon’s and they’re kissing. _They’re kissing._ Gon short-wires for a moment and then he’s kissing Killua back, hands abandoning their previous locations to tangle themselves in Killua’s hair. _They’rekissingthey’rekissingthey’rekissing_ and Killua sighs into Gon’s mouth and Gon’s not sure if this is real because how could this possibly be real?

They break apart, panting, and stare at each other breathlessly.

“Of course… I’ll… stay with you… forever… you idiot!” Killua manages between pants. His hair is tousled, and God was he allowed to be that beautiful? Gon just stands there, beaming. He must be the luckiest man in the whole world.

(Killua thinks that, maybe, these gross adult things like kissing and holding hands and dancing aren’t so bad after all. And maybe, just maybe, he should give those girls in “Say Yes to the Dress” a break. He’s starting to understand the appeal of weddings.

Inside, Kurapika slides Leorio $10. Nanika just laughs.)

**Author's Note:**

> gay
> 
> like if u agree


End file.
